So. On top of just trying to get my house organized in general, we are having a 12 year old visitor come to stay with us for about 5 weeks (maybe a little more – I am too nervous to actually count the days and face the reality!). I am actually really excited to have her and know we will have lots of fun – but I also really want the room she is staying in to not be a complete disaster. Thus part of the motivation for cleaning.
Anyway, I know that I am not going to get all of it done – but I am working on it.
Tonight I began sorting through boxes of paper that needs to be put away somewhere. I decided to just divide it into recycle/trash/save for now. This meant I had to actually look at some of the stuff. Some stuff was easy but I have LOTS of cards. I swear there were cards in there from Easter when I was a kid, my 20th birthday, 30th birthday and many others. There are cards from no longer alive grandmothers, childhood friends who have disappeared (Um Does anyone know what happened to Farrah Childs, Rachel Dillingham and Rhonda Barnes???) and past loves. There are also many many cards from friends I still know – ones that I was sent in college and grad school just chatting and keeping in touch.
I couldn’t get through all of these cards. I doubt I even did half. Reading them just made me weep. And I am not really sure why. Do I long for times past? For old lovers? Forgotten Friendships? Maybe. Mostly I just realized how much love I have had in my life. I thought about how many people have cared about me and how much I have cared about them. I remembered precious and tender moments with my friends, family and lovers. Sure I thought about bad times too – but there have been more good times. So many times of laughter, great conversations, trips, parties, late nights out, and long mornings in. Maybe I also cry for the mistakes that I made. I know I have never been a perfect person. It really struck me though how much I didn’t know in my teens and 20’s. Stuff I thought I did know. Well I didn’t know it. And if I had realized that it would have probably been easier on myself and others. But oh well – not much I can do about it now!
I guess that I just hope – with those good times and especially the bad times- that my friends, family and loves know how much I have always loved and cared for them. That they realize that even when it didn’t seem like it I did love them. I will always love them. They are forever a part of me.
So now what do I do with all that stuff? I just can’t go through it. I guess I shove it somewhere for now and take it out later. I got rid of some… I have a feeling it isn’t a quick process.
Update: I found Farrah – or rather Farrah found me!!!! What a lovely surprise!!!!!!!!! Yeah internet!!
