Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category
Protected: Not Sure Where to Start
Published May 16, 2009 Uncategorized Enter your password to view commentsThis is the first weekend in I don’t know how long that I have wanted to end so it would be Monday.
Monday at 1:30am we are scheduled to see another gyn onc. We saw someone Thursday at a local office affiliated with a great hospital in Seattle. I had high hopes. My hopes were a bit dashed by the fact that the MD was 45 min late for the appointment (despite the fact that we were his first appointment of the day), that he didn’t introuduce himself to me, and that he was not AT ALL gentle when examining mom in an area us women like to have treated gently. He was also rushed throughout the consultation, the office didn’t have a copy of the ultrasound report they needed (despite the fact that I had talked to the RN the week before to make sure they would get the report from the right place), and he didn’t really explain the surgery at all and said this was the only appointment we would have with him pre-op. He did seem like a smart guy and I got the feeling he would be a capable surgon.
Anyway we are hoping to have a more patient centered experience tomorrow. The place we are going to is a large clinic affiliated with some of the best hospitals in the area. They have a patient coordinator who has been great at answering my questions via email (LOVE THAT!) and they already for sure have the ultrasound report AND the actual films for viewing by their team (impressive compared to the disorganization and just looking at the report at the other doc). Plus when mom went there for her CT scan on Friday they gave her a heated blanket before and after and cookies and juice when she was done!
So doctor decisions aside I am going NUTS after hearing about all of the potential complications of surgery and the different types of cancer. I am a mess worrying that something will happen to her during surgery mostly. I was a mess about the prognosis related to the different cancers but mostly now I am freaking out about the surgery thing. It feels terrifying to know that she could go into surgery basically feeling fine and then the unspeakable happen. I am trying to remind myself that most women live through hysterectomy surgery – but some moments it feels difficult.
If you are reading this send some goot thoughts our way for a clear CT scan report and a positive Dr. appointment tomorrow ok?
This is all rather overwhelming. Mom went to the doc today to get a test done (where they aren’t sure they got a good enough sample, so they may have no more info when we go in next Thurs) and was sure she heard the PA say that she might not have cancer. Later I had to call the MD office to confirm a test they had scheduled (that doesn’t even need to get done because she already had it done but they weren’t on the ball with that) and they told me that there was no reason the PA should have given her any indication she didn’t have it. For a moment when Mom told me that I felt relief – I knew she wasn’t correct as we have already had a test come back saying it is cancer – but still I was relieved – wishing this could all be a big mistake. That maybe just like that we would go in on Thursday and they would say they had it wrong. Everything is fine. Or it’s just a fibroid tumor that needs to be removed and all will be well. It’s almost worse to have had a moment of relief and then be crashed back to reality. Now I just feel so. sad.
So. On top of just trying to get my house organized in general, we are having a 12 year old visitor come to stay with us for about 5 weeks (maybe a little more – I am too nervous to actually count the days and face the reality!). I am actually really excited to have her and know we will have lots of fun – but I also really want the room she is staying in to not be a complete disaster. Thus part of the motivation for cleaning.
Anyway, I know that I am not going to get all of it done – but I am working on it.
Tonight I began sorting through boxes of paper that needs to be put away somewhere. I decided to just divide it into recycle/trash/save for now. This meant I had to actually look at some of the stuff. Some stuff was easy but I have LOTS of cards. I swear there were cards in there from Easter when I was a kid, my 20th birthday, 30th birthday and many others. There are cards from no longer alive grandmothers, childhood friends who have disappeared (Um Does anyone know what happened to Farrah Childs, Rachel Dillingham and Rhonda Barnes???) and past loves. There are also many many cards from friends I still know – ones that I was sent in college and grad school just chatting and keeping in touch.
I couldn’t get through all of these cards. I doubt I even did half. Reading them just made me weep. And I am not really sure why. Do I long for times past? For old lovers? Forgotten Friendships? Maybe. Mostly I just realized how much love I have had in my life. I thought about how many people have cared about me and how much I have cared about them. I remembered precious and tender moments with my friends, family and lovers. Sure I thought about bad times too – but there have been more good times. So many times of laughter, great conversations, trips, parties, late nights out, and long mornings in. Maybe I also cry for the mistakes that I made. I know I have never been a perfect person. It really struck me though how much I didn’t know in my teens and 20’s. Stuff I thought I did know. Well I didn’t know it. And if I had realized that it would have probably been easier on myself and others. But oh well – not much I can do about it now!
I guess that I just hope – with those good times and especially the bad times- that my friends, family and loves know how much I have always loved and cared for them. That they realize that even when it didn’t seem like it I did love them. I will always love them. They are forever a part of me.
So now what do I do with all that stuff? I just can’t go through it. I guess I shove it somewhere for now and take it out later. I got rid of some… I have a feeling it isn’t a quick process.
Update: I found Farrah – or rather Farrah found me!!!! What a lovely surprise!!!!!!!!! Yeah internet!!
Take a look up above at my new header! Doesn’t it look spiffy! All I can say is that Calliope is fab! She was patient with my requests and technical needs (like um.. how the hell do I actually add that thing to my blog?!?) and I so appreciate it! Pop on over to her page if you need a new header designed and she can whip you up something lovely (and the price is a GREAT deal!)!
The house is a mess and it is finally getting to me. I have realized I need to make time to fix this situation and I hired CarlaRae to help me. She was WONDERFUL. In only 4 hours we made a lot of progress and I will for sure be having her back to help continue the process. I can’t wait to get more stuff OUT of my condo! Take a look at the progress thus far below!
Yeah! I figured out how to put a video on my blog! Now you can all see one of the loves of my life. My orange kitty! He was just TOO CUTE yesterday when he crawled in the box from my new Lexi Barnes laptop bag. He decided to sleep there for a bit (ohh those pics are cute too I should show you one) and then I caught him on video as he was getting ready to get out!
Have you heard about this? American Airlines is going to begin charging $15 just to check a piece of luggage when you travel! Each WAY! I can’t believe it!!! As the article I linked to points out – elite frequent flyers and those who buy full fare seats won’t have to pay. Nor will business travelers have to pay for carry on bags. But if you are a family who has scrimped and saved to take that long planned vacation to grandmas or Sturgis or something and you want to take 2 bags each you will now have to pay $15 for the first bag for everyone and $25 for the second – A grand total of $320 just to get your luggage there! This REALLY makes me angry! I mean they raise ticket charges because of fuel prices but then adding this charge too! Which effects mostly the non-wealthy traveler or the one who can’t write it off for business! Plus don’t the think about how much more crap people are going to try to carry on with them now!?!GRRRRRRR!
Today while driving I heard a snippet on NPR for a show that will air on PBS tonight entitled Depression: Out of the Shadows. It seems to be on at 9pm in most places. It sounds pretty intersting to me partially because of what I do for a living, partially because I understand the feelings of depression and in general because I just like watching these kinds of things. I also feel strongly that more people need to be educatied about depression. So if you can – pop on over and watch it!
